awareness and appreciation

I am seeing a trend in my life right now and am not sure what to think about it.

I have had a friend, in the past year, lose a husband. Her best friend. Sitting at dinner in a restaurant... and then gone.

I went to Gulf Coast Getaway and "met" an amazing woman who was adorably in her last month of pregnancy... and had just lost her husband a few months before.

Then, I picked up a book by Petra Nemcova that I started months ago and finished yesterday.

So, I grabbed another one to start today, this one by Ekaterina Gordeeva... and that's when I saw the trend.

Both books are about women who've lost their husbands. Their best friends... their greatest loves.


Why do I do this?? Why am I so drawn to these sad, sad situations? Am I just morbidly fascinated?

I have felt for a long time (well, only since we fell in love almost 19 years ago) that I would lose Kevin early. Young. Honestly, I'm surprised I still have him. I consider it a huge blessing that I do! He's had many opportunities to be seriously wounded during our marriage... but made it through.

There was the time that he was in the wreck in OKC and came out with scrapes and and a bruised forehead from hitting the windshield and being knocked out... but fine. Then, the snowtubing trip where he just HAD to "get air" and the balance shifted and he slammed the back of his head into the icy lane and was knocked out for almost a minute. How he didn't have brain damage is beyond me. And what about the other car wreck with the semi-truck. I can't even think about what he could have looked like after that one... and he walked away.

Too many close calls. Every time, I knew that I was so blessed to be able to take him home with me again.

These women don't have that. Their loves reached the end of their lives and they never saw it coming. No one warned them that they were on their final days, minutes.

I don't like surprises. I generally don't react well on a moments notice. I've been called a glass half empty, but I've always believed that I'm just preparing myself for the worst... and then if it doesn't happen, I can rejoice that much more!

I really feel that I appreciate the little things... and big things... with Kevin so much more than I would if I thought we'd really be able to grow old together. Sometimes, I feel that "this day" is so precious to me because I'm never sure I'll have another one with him.

Is that morbid? Depressing?
Maybe for some. For me, it's an awareness... each morning that he wakes up beside me is so precious. Each glance, each time he fixes a doorknob, or helps me with groceries, or disciplines a child when i don't have the strength. So, so precious.

My friends don't have those little things any more and are missing them so much. May God continue to be with them daily and fill their lives with comfort and love.